Get a life
I suppose you can spend your day reading these silly rumors about me, but wouldn't you rather go for a walk in the park, feed the ducks, read a trashy novel, enjoy a decadent treat? Go. Have fun.
Jack Sparr Interviews
The following are excerpts from interviews conducted by Houston Chronicle reporter Jack Sparr. Copies of the original digital audio recordings were submitted to the FBI voluntarily by Mr. Sparr. The entire transcripts and audio copies can be found in FBI file #EB25432C which deals with the FBI’s ongoing investigation of Houston detective Eva Baum. Contact Special Agent Whittaker for access to this file. Federal Marshal Sperry has another full set.
Crazy Wilma (CW): All them fancy ‘lectonics you got. You’re just asking for the aliens to get you, Mister. They’ll focus in on the ‘missions and such.
Jack Sparr (JS): Yeah. I’ll take my chances. Let’s get back to Eva Baum. She’s your friend, right?
CW: Eva’s a saint. No taste in men though. I see her all the time going out on the town with putzes. She brings ‘em around so’s I can read ‘em, tell her if they’s any good. I can read people pretty good. Got the 6th, 7th, and 8th senses. I can tell you’re a putz. Could tell right off. Always been a putz and always will. You should look up Eva---her track record she’d probably go out with you. Eva always gets her dates to pay me for reading ‘em---sometimes tries to make me think she forgot to pay me and pays me again. She’s a good girl---just bad taste in men.
JS: O.K. Does Eva help out other street people or just you?
CW: I guess. Everybody I know knows Eva. She takes care of Shade a lot, and Old Riley, and Caspar, and....
JS: Yeah, I got it. Tell me about Shade.
CW: Why you want to know ‘bout Shade? You ain’t fixin’ on hurtin’ that boy? He’s got enough problems. Aliens busted him up pretty good. Just recent. Big aliens, with big shiny ray guns. Popped me a good one, too. See this scar on my head? People tellin’ me I’s crazy talkin’ ‘bout aliens. You don’t get no scars from your ‘magination, no siree. He was ten feet tall and green like, and ....
JS: I’m not looking to hurt Shade. I promise. I just want to ask him about Eva. I’ll give him a twenty just like I gave you.
CW: You give me a twenty already? I don’t remember that. You tryin’ to cheat an old woman, Mister?
JS: I gave you a twenty already. See, it’s sticking out of the corner of that ridiculous foil hat you’re wearing.
CW: Don’t you be mockin’ my hat, Mister. This here hat keeps the aliens from reading my thoughts. Hell, with my 6th, 7th, and 8th senses, think of what they could find out about other humans just by reading me.
JS: Yeah, I’m scared. Just tell me about Shade.
CW: He’ll draw you a good picture. He can still draw good even after the aliens broke his hand. He drew me more’n once. I recognized me right off. Thank God he left my clothes on. Sometimes he kind of forgets to draw people with they’s clothes on. He’s drawn Eva lots too, and I seen one where she don’t have no clothes on. I told him he ain’t s’posed to do that. Not without the person’s permission.
JS: Naked pictures of Baum, huh? Sounds tasty. You think he’d be willing to sell me a few of those?
CW: No way. You aliens is all the same; wantin’ to get human bein’s nekid and probe ‘em and such. Well no doin’ you alien prevert. I’m a tunin’ you out.
JS: Hey, come back here you old coot. [Extended string of expletives deleted.]